So yeah...... I am marching Euph in Brass. Trying out for junior corps next year.

Drum Corps is really important to me. its hard to explain.

She keeps hurting me.

He keeps hurting me.

It like theres a war going on inside me. the extremes of every decision or thought or belief are all just slugging it out inside me.

I dont want to let me self go like everyone else. I am gonna get through this. I dont need to get wasted. it wont solve anything. I am already feeling kind of numb.

Why do I care still?

I need someone to love, and who will love me back.

It always looks and sounds like im the bad guy. I am not.

I love teaching marching band. except that there are woodwinds and trombones.

I have 2 good friends right now. both are older, and i dont get to hang out with them much. hopefully this summer i can socialize with people from brass.

I wasted lots of possible socializing at school last year.

I miss Jesse. hopefully he will read this and comment. ; )

I was avoiding swearing but this last part needs to be said. and it might sound cocky or stuck up but i am just being realistic. for once.

I am the fucking shit and if people dont realize or appreciate that then its there loss.

So........... I am not going on a mission.

I will be going to school again in the fall. this could mean alot of things. if you know what those things are then you know.

I feel that i have lost touch withmyself. I am going to be taking time to figure stuff out. I wont be going to church. I am not giving up on it. I just feel that i want to find truth. I might get led back to church. but....... i might not.

I am sure many of you are thinking the same thing about that. there are many reasons. and most likely not the one your thinking about.

I just want everything to be done. its been drug out too long. and it hurts.

i wanted to go to billy joel with someone special. but i dont have anyone special. i dont know if i am gonna go

So...... I am single.

its really wierd. im not used to it. at all. but I am doing ok. Things are going well. I have a concert tomorrow. we are rehersing today. Hopefully i will make it down to buffalo for part of their rehersal. Sauk rapids is drumming well. better than a month ago in my opinion. I need to find a job. I am going on a mission. for 2 years. so I need to make enough money to support myself for 2 years. So i wont be able to march junior corps. by  the time im done with my mission i will be too old. I need to write a 10 page paper. I also have to finish a composition that is being performed this friday. But after that I should be able to kind of coast throught the end of the semester. till finals. i only have a few though. Although my theory final is on a thursday morning at 7:30 ........am.            and the night before that  I am going to the Billy Joel concert. it is gonna be tough. but hey I will have plenty of oppurtunities to take finals, but probly only one to see Billy Joel. I dunno........ I am still learning tons of stuff. I like school. I want it to be done, but i want to keep going at the same time. I really like some of my proffesors, and am excited about learning more from them.

Well........ thats about it I guess.